No Junk-Food Oath

In an effort to delay my death and the degradation of both my health, my looks, and my self-esteem, I am going to undergo a No Junk-Food Oath.  I am trying to preserve my health as much as I can without directly committing my lazy ass to exercise for the time being.  The time being, of course, being the remainder of this week.  I have realized that today is July 15th.  A good portion of my summer is gone, and my body doesn’t have anything to show for it, except maybe a bit more (less???) flab and hair.  It’s quite the turn-off.  I think that it’s universally agreed upon by most that it is truly a sad day when I man cannot get off to his own nude picture.  I am that man.  I do not want to be that man.  I want to be a narcissic douchebag with a god complex who blows his load all over his picture every night after 9PM.  Ok, I don’t really want to be that asshole, but the point I am trying to make is that I don’t want this:

but I really want this:

yummmmy.

Anyways, food oath.  Gosh darn it, that man is unbelievably sexy.  Food oath:

1. I won’t eat any fast food.  This includes Alertos.  I, unlike Jimmy, cannot afford to continue this masochistic diet.
2. I won’t eat any junk food, this includes chips, most candy, ice cream, chocolate, soda (I don’t drink that shit in the first place, so one less thing to yearn for), and many kinds of vagina.  Did you see what I did there?  I was being misogynistic!
3. I will eat a filling breakfast when I am able to (IE, when I wake up in time for breakfast!).
4. I will make my other meal portions a bit smaller; this means no seconds.  No matter what.  Even if it’s  mashed potatos.  Just no (fuck this sucks).  It is the ultimate irony when the greatest tasting vegetable (potato), is also the most unhealthy for you.
5. I will MAKE AN EFFORT to eat 4-5 small meals a day.  A piece of fruit or granola bar every 3 hours can probably help with that.
6. I will try to be nutritious in my meal selection.  This will be rather difficult because I don’t have the best selection of dark green veggies around my home.  I do, however, have some damn nice whole grain bread, chicken, and brown rice.

Signed:  Kevin T. Nguyen

The above is subject to change to reflect realism and pragmatism.  I’ll probably upload a picture with all of this shit printed out and my ink’d signature for like.  Legal looking-ness.  Fuck I want to look fuckable.  Not just for others, but for myself.