Tonight -that is, the night of June 20th- was the Kiwins Down and Dirty dance. It lasted from 8PM-12AM.
And I thought I was gonna have a fantastic time, and I did…towards the end of the dance though.
See, more than anything, this dance helped open my eyes to my ego, my bravado, and how little cajones I actually have. Which is what I’d rather not have a dance do.
For the first 2 hours, nearly, all I did was walk around with my buddies looking for potential dance partners. The problem that presented itself was we would stand there, talking about how we would go for this group of girls, then, in a last-minute moment of cowardice, we would hesitate. Then some other guy would take her. I will admit that this might seem kinda normal, I mean it’s bound to happen a few times right? However, for me, it didn’t merely happen a few times. For me, I spent much of the night “looking for girls”. You might be wondering why that was in quotes. I shall explain. It is in quotes because, in retrospect, I don’t think I was actually looking for girls. I think I just didn’t have the balls to just go to the first available person I saw. So, as an excuse, I walked around the dance floor with really no goal except to look busy. It was pathetic. I mean, I came to a dance to dance, not to just walk around and watch.
I don’t think I can remember how many times I saw an avaliable girl, but then just stood there trying to muster up the courage to dance with her, only to have dilly-dallied for too long and then she was taken.
And this is coming from the guy who was all talking about being the most gangster and doing gay dance moves like no tomorrow! God damn ego. God damn stupid bravado. And to think I was supposed to lead by example. Kinda pathetic, actually.
To be truthful, I’m frustrated with myself. There’s no reason to not ask a girl to dance. If you get rejected then you get rejected. So what? You move on. The best thing that can happen is that you’ll have a great time. I couldn’t understand why my instincts just could not realize that. I was held back, every single time, by irrational fear (redundant, cause fear itself is irrational).
I guess I left my balls at home. In short, I was too shy to dance with the girls. Yes, what the fuck is that. My ego has shrunk 10 times smaller. My manhood too :[
On a positive note I danced with hawt freshmen towards the end of the dance. Yes. That’s right, I went there. And back again.
I am at least happy that I got to dance with a few people, but the fact that I spent so much time doing nothing irks me so much.
I don’t know. Jimmy said something that rung kinda true, he said that when you think about it you start to hestitate and that fucks you up. When you stop thinking about it and you just do it, then you’re good.
There’s another dance coming up, at AX. Although the people will be different, to me it’ll still just be a dance. There will be hawt girls. And of course, I’ll be there. Whether or not I bring my balls to the dance remains to be seen.
It is one of my summer goals to bring my balls to the damn dance. To fucking get in there, to fucking not hesitate, to not think. To actually spend more time dancing than time spent looking for someone to dance with. To have a great time.
