a note on balls.

Tonight -that is, the night of June 20th- was the Kiwins Down and Dirty dance.  It lasted from 8PM-12AM.

And I thought I was gonna have a fantastic time, and I did…towards the end of the dance though.

See, more than anything, this dance helped open my eyes to my ego, my bravado, and how little cajones I actually have.  Which is what I’d rather not have a dance do.

For the first 2 hours, nearly, all I did was walk around with my buddies looking for potential dance partners.  The problem that presented itself was we would stand there, talking about how we would go for this group of girls, then, in a last-minute moment of cowardice, we would hesitate.  Then some other guy would take her.  I will admit that this might seem kinda normal, I mean it’s bound to happen a few times right?  However, for me, it didn’t merely happen a few times.  For me, I spent much of the night “looking for girls”.  You might be wondering why that was in quotes.  I shall explain.  It is in quotes because, in retrospect, I don’t think I was actually looking for girls.  I think I just didn’t have the balls to just go to the first available person I saw.  So, as an excuse, I walked around the dance floor with really no goal except to look busy.  It was pathetic.  I mean, I came to a dance to dance, not to just walk around and watch.

I don’t think I can remember how many times I saw an avaliable girl, but then just stood there trying to muster up the courage to dance with her, only to have dilly-dallied for too long and then she was taken.

And this is coming from the guy who was all talking about being the most gangster and doing gay dance moves like no tomorrow!  God damn ego.  God damn stupid bravado.  And to think I was supposed to lead by example.  Kinda pathetic, actually.

To be truthful, I’m frustrated with myself.  There’s no reason to not ask a girl to dance.  If you get rejected then you get rejected.  So what?  You move on.  The best thing that can happen is that you’ll have a great time.  I couldn’t understand why my instincts just could not realize that.  I was held back, every single time, by irrational fear (redundant, cause fear itself is irrational).

I guess I left my balls at home.  In short, I was too shy to dance with the girls.  Yes, what the fuck is that.  My ego has shrunk 10 times smaller.  My manhood too :[

On a positive note I danced with hawt freshmen towards the end of the dance.  Yes.  That’s right, I went there.  And back again.

I am at least happy that I got to dance with a few people, but the fact that I spent so much time doing nothing irks me so much.

I don’t know.  Jimmy said something that rung kinda true, he said that when you think about it you start to hestitate and that fucks you up.  When you stop thinking about it and you just do it, then you’re good.

There’s another dance coming up, at AX.  Although the people will be different, to me it’ll still just be a dance.  There will be hawt girls.  And of course, I’ll be there.  Whether or not I bring my balls to the dance remains to be seen.

It is one of my summer goals to bring my balls to the damn dance.  To fucking get in there, to fucking not hesitate, to not think.  To actually spend more time dancing than time spent looking for someone to dance with.  To have a great time.

Summer “bucketlists”

Mine*

1. play (on the guitar) and sing say it ain’t so
2. meet, talk, and hang out with a beautiful and likable girl
3. run 5 days a week for at least 4 weeks straight
4. run around mile square park -4mi
5. get a full body tan
6. get a job at barnes
7. hop a fence properly
8. trim my pubic hair
9. play genuine whose line is it anyways
10. successfully pull off a dupe (like a fake conversation between jimmy and I) on a stranger or group of people at barnes
11. get stranger’s (preferably a beautiful girl) phone number
12. spend an entire day at barnes
13. get a decent pair of sunglasses that looks nice on me
14. get an urahara hat
15. make a group of strangers laugh
16. bring my balls to a dance and spend more time dancing than looking for a dance
17. shave my mustache
18. get my license/learn how to drive
19. get a photograph of me sincerely smiling
20. become proficient with all swim styles
21. move towards less potty mouth humor (this will be very difficult)
22. do away with my insecurities/jealousies
23. never hide my personality
24. ?? come to terms with growing up

Jimmy’s*

1. Do a drive-by mooning
2. Beat my old 10-wank-a-day record
3. Meet, talk, hang out, and keep in touch with a beautiful girl at AX
4. Meeet random people and mingle with them, whether it be at AX or anyplace else
5. Get to 10nps by the end of summer
6. Learn enough Japanese to be able to have a conversation wtih Michelle in Japanese
7. Take better care of my hair so that I can style it like those hot Japanese musicians
8. Hug a stranger
9. Get a jam band started
10. Give a homeless man $20
11. Get a job
12. Make and eat spacecake
13. Take a nap under the shade of a tree, in a tree, or on a rooftop
14. Learn to tread, and go swimming more often
15. Tell a girl she is attractive
16. Skydump
17. Get a new guitar
18. Feel a titty
19. Put up several reviews on Michael’s site
20. Make a good AMV
21. Write a song
22. Spend an entire day playing guitar
23. Ride a shopping cart into a curb

*subject to changes and additions.

the end of an era

Recently I have been obsessed with the song Viva La Vida by Coldplay.  It sounds so…happy and upbeat compared to their other works.  I enjoy it very much.  If you are reading this, I advise you to give it a whirl.

Yesterday was Friday the 13th.  True to Friday the 13th superstition, something bad happened to me on that day:  my senior year at La Quinta High School unofficially ended that day.

When that bell rang, for the last relevant time I suppose, seniors ran out of their classes, screaming their heads off, whooping their hearts out, and yelping with all of their souls.  They were genuinely glad that high school is over.  That the stress, the work, the journey was over.

Isn’t it rather strange, then, that I felt an insurmountable amount of sadness?  I can’t explicitly describe the feeling, but it felt a lot like…heartache.  Shouldn’t I be relieved that high school was over?  I would be moving onto college soon, where I could truly be free, where life truly begins for a student.

I’ll be leaving a LOT of my buddies behind though.  A lot of my close friends opted to go to UCI instead of UCSD, which means that I’ll be separated, for the most part, from my friends.  They won’t be there with me as I start the rest of my life.  You can’t blame a guy for missing his friends, can you?  It’s saying goodbye to those moments we shared, those memories we made, those bonds we formed.  My friends mean a lot to me and I am going to miss them more than anything else.  I truly hope to spend as much time as I can with all of them over the summer before I move to San Diego.  That is not to say I won’t be keeping in touch with them.  I will.  Distance can’t break these bonds between us.

Almost as much as missing my friends, I feel regret.  I have gone over this before, but it bears being said again.  I feel regretful.  Regretful that I let the last 3 years of my high school career pass without me doing much of anything.  I regret not putting myself out there, not going to dances, joining clubs, getting involved, joining a sport.  I regret not living out my high school years.  I regret not staying out really late, not learning how to drive, not chasing girls.  I regret having missed so many opportunities and chances to do something new, something risky.  There were just so many things I could’ve done.  But I didn’t do them.  I just went home right after school for the last three years and sat at the computer.  I missed out on a lot.

I mentioned this to one of my friends earlier, who is just finishing her freshmen year at LQ, that I was extremely jealous of her and her friends.  She has her whole high school career in front of her, and she is already making the most of it.  Joining clubs, meeting new people, going to dances and trips.  Even if she didn’t get great grades or do everything she wanted to do this year, she still has time.  And that’s the point I’m trying to make her.  As much as I want to go to my senior prom or retake a class to get better grades or wished I join clubs sooner, I can’t.  It’s too late for me.

I should’ve taken advantage of my youth a lot sooner.  Of course, I’m not that old.  But I still can’t help but equate high school with the prime of youth.

I do realize that I am overdramatizing things and making a fuss about what could easily be remedied with the words, “You still have plenty of time to do stuff in college”, but I still just cannot help but regret the time that I wasted.  I can’t help but think that my life could’ve probably turned out a bit different if I had taken advantage of my youth, of the opportunities presented to me.  If anything, I could’ve graduated with no regrets.

I really do believe that college will be my “second chance” to enjoy life/youth/school to its fullest.  I fully intend to make the most of my college years and truly enjoy life.  I want to graduate without regrets, content that I did all that I can.  I resolve to live in the present and make the most of my college years.